My Nicholas

My son Nicholas Christian was born on January 30, 1999. A happy healthy baby he surely was. He was a very different little guy, he had an easy smile and barely cried except if he was hungry or needed a diaper change. He was so alert and into everything that his brothers were doing he was always watching watching and mind you having a 2, 3 and newborn is no easy task. His brothers adored him and were always bringing him little toys much to his joy and happiness. He was such an easy mannered boy. We only had him 3 short months when he was torn away from us by Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. SIDS, Crib Death, or Cot Death. He died on May 8, which was the day before mother's day. I can't remember much about that day other than my family being there and eating chicken fingers. Talking to UNYTS on the phone, visiting the hospital and being met by a nurse and a priest. That's all I can remember about that day and the days following. I remember the funeral home and the amazing amount of people that came to support us, to hold us, to be with us during that time. Now, 14 years later the feelings are still fresh in my mind. Time does not heal all wounds. It just doesn't. People tell you get over it, don't wear your heart on your sleeve. You can't imagine the things I've heard from co-workers, people I've met and talked to  and people that have come in and out of my life in the last 14 years. The pain is worst around holidays, around his birthday, the first birthday he never had the first Christmas. Mother's day though supposed to be a day of joy is not always for me. I didn't celebrate it for many many years after. When my children were older I did it for them. I still do it for them and not so much for me. My husband tries to make the day as joyful and memorable as possible god bless him for it. But in the night the memories sneak back into my mind stealing away my joy. Now on his birthday I light a prayer candle, on mother's day it will be lit as well. To remember, to help heal, but never to forget. His little life mattered. It always has....It always will. He will forever be my son, my angel, my guardian, my guide.